A Waltz by Julie Delpy.

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand

You were for me that night
Everything I always dreamt of in life
But now you're gone
You are far gone
All the way to your island of rain

It was for you just a one night thing
But you were much more to me
Just so you know

I hear rumors about you
About all the bad things you do
But when we were together alone
You didn't seem like a player at all

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day
I just wanted another try
I just wanted another night
Even if it doesn't seem quite right
You meant for me much more
Than anyone I've met before

One single night with you little Jesse
Is worth a thousand with anybody

I have no bitterness, my sweet
I'll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, another arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my blues
Let me sing you a waltz
About this lovely one night stand

ANDY GREGORY

Now I present the talented and beautiful Mr. Andrew David Gregory.

I found a reason

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

I Found A Reason - Cat Power

Lover's spit

All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Better take some hand and get used to it

You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

Lovers Spit - Feist

Ughh

Why do I read shit like other peoples blogs when I don't really want to know. So much information in my head right now.
Pictures that create pain and misunderstandings. It happens with everything in my life. Always dancing on the cusp of knowing too much. My impulse to know everything is overwhelming. Such a silly little girl to think I could even try. Welcome to serious pressure. Never a moment of relaxation in my own presence. Well almost never. I see movies and fill my view with people, locations and distractions to keep me from the truth. My camera creates pictures of what I think it should look like. My attachment runs deep. Let's be smart about things now, Maria. No more childlike manipulation. My participation in that department deserves an A. It's like breathing or a shadow to me. Always with me. In all fairness, I am honest and loyal. I know how to giggle sincerely and love enormously. Possibly the best things I know how to do. Thanks, momma. Now, how do I make money on that? There's the trick. I pray the universe will provide.

Something big is beside me now. Walking next to me. So close yet so far away. A fine line featuring the real deal vs. total bullshit. I can see it, smell it, hold it close at night and say everything will be ok. I feel safe and warm. Then I pull the covers away and I'm back to me. You need so much. Without surprise, I have it to give. I'm afraid of you. Visions of holding on and not let go occasionally float by. I manipulate myself. My other lovers tell me I'm wonderful and beautiful and hold me ever so close to their hearts. I know I am loved. But yours is something different. I knew this from the get go. Man alive, I want more. I guess that's why I read blogs I should avoid, look at pictures that confuse me and kiss the mouth of depression. Clearly, I can save you. This I'm sure of. But is my own salvation and success wrapped up in that? Probably not. Definitely not. Love is blooming for new friends. I am lucky. We are lucky. And, I know it's gonna hurt. But, please don't stop. Even if I start acting like a fool.

My Pilars of Creation and other fuel chit chat.

In 1746, Jean-Philippe Loys de Cheseauxan an astronomer from Lausanne, Switzerland presented a list of nebulae to the Academy of Sciences in France. This nebula is listed as one of his discoveries, later photographically documented by what to me is one of the most amazing mechanical creations of our time, the Hubble Telescope. This image known as the Pilars of Creation is apart of The Eagle Nebula, a young open cluster of stars in the constellation Serpen, also discovered by Cheseauxan. These clusters are about 7,000 light years away from earth. One of the reasons why this shit is so fascinating to me is because of the protostar. Ok, fine. A protostar is a large object that forms by contraction out of the gas of a giant molecular cloud in the interstellar medium. Oh my, I love this stuff so much. The gas emitting and creating this mass is mostly Molecular hydrogen. As we know, Hydrogen is a colorless, odorless, nonmetallic, tasteless, highly flammable, the lightest and most abundant of the chemical elements, constituting roughly 75% of the universe's elemental mass and is basically the molecular shit. Properly cooled and combined, Hydrogen has the potential to be one the greatest fuel sources on our planet. NASA uses hydrogen to launch the Space Shuttles. They're even working on a toy model car that runs on solar power, using a regenerative fuel cell to store energy in the form of hydrogen and oxygen gas. It can then convert the fuel back into water to release the solar energy. Incredible! Imagine if this were mass produced and allowed into our global market..the sky's the limit. No pun intended. Iceland has one the largest natural reserves of Hydrogen on our planet. What's stopping us from harnessing the power of Hydrogen to begin production of solar, hydrogen, oxygen and above all clean modes of transportation? I realize the question is rhetorical. Watching the 27 year old man from Utah yesterday bid his way into saving 22,000 acres of oil rich land with prison as a possible outcome, I started thinking about how long it's gonna take to see other forms of fuel begin to take precedence over the clearly decreasing fuel source of oil on the planet. What will it take to finally implement these technologies into a grossly flawed economic fuel formula? The tidal wave of this change would be staggering. I hope I'm live to see the day. In the meantime, I appreciate the 27 year old man from Utah for his ingenious yet theatrical attempt at preserving land. Thank god we haven't been able to fuck up the stars yet. B

CHICAGO vs. LA

Photos taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Chicago, winter 2007.

This is what I don't miss about Chicago at the moment. This is why I'm not there right now. The southern california sun today brought me such happiness. Feels real nice to know that when I go to my friends party tonight, I don't have to wear a million layers and brace myself for the bone chilling tundra. In fact, I'm wearing a dress with no tights!

It's bittersweet though cause in the middle of all this, I miss the smiles of so many of my friends faces especially with Holiday's approaching. I can't believe I have no plans for Christmas this year. Where am I? Ughh. No parties, no cocktails, no prosecco, no chippino, no brother, no hugs. I could cry thinking about it. But, I choose this. This is where I am. At last. Thank god!

I imagine everyone will enjoy the tomato pie I'm making right now. "Cooter Pie" as it's know in some circles. Mulled wine, ginger bread, white bean soup, spiced egg nog. It's on.

Happy December 20th, 2008.
B

I like the way he dances.

It's sexy when a dude can act a fool, dance, make me giggle and have good hair all at the same time. Right?! And that nose just makes him even more adorable. Cassie-o-pia, you feel me on this?

and now, ANDY SAMBERG

The silence between words.

These thoughts found me today and if I'm quiet enough to hear it, I actually do believe them.

"You might be feeling pretty shaky right now, as if the earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever you can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
After the fire, the earth is replenished; after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to somebody else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway.

In the beginning is nature, in the end is nature, so why in the middle do you make so much fuss? Why, in the middle, becoming so worried, so anxious, so ambitious - why create such despair? Nothingness to nothingness is the whole journey.
Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is to relax into this nothingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action. This mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim.

Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is. The awareness that is growing in you now is not the result of any conscious "doing", nor do you need to struggle to make something happen. Any sense you might have had that you've been groping in the dark is dissolving now, or will be dissolving soon. Let yourself settle, and remember that deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged.

Thank you, Osho.

Gratitude

December 8th, 2008. A year at a glance.

DECEMBER 2007 - Leave Chicago holding 4 suitcases for San Francisco. Leave momma, brother, papa, bella, luna, apartment, art, books, photos, Blaha, Alicia, Cassie, Andreas, Lindsay, Liza, Daniel Cooper, Adam Hoff and the memory of Matt.
JANUARY - Travel to the Big Island of Hawaii then later Kauai with brother. No fights, we did it! Feel free with no real sense of responsibility for the first time in my entire life. Swim with whales and giant see turtles. Sunburn and Lilikoi's.
FEBRUARY - Lindsay tells me some fucked up shit about her feelings towards Andreas. I freak. Still no resolution. Andreas tries, but Lindsay is dry. Move in temporarily with Mariah in Oakland and Inverness. Meet Cameron Kelly! Book the last of the big advertising jobs as an agent. MBREPS now closed. Nicole Buffett gives me big hugs and tells me that I am beautiful and courageous and I believe her.
MARCH - Begin working as a stylist, thanks to Alicia. I'm thinking, I got this shit. Travel back to Chicago.
APRIL - Travel to Hawaii. The whole month on Kauai. Ellen and Jim take care of me and I feel safe. Mariah meets me there. we head to the waterfalls and beaches, Zack arrives. I give him the good room with the giant bathtub. Hindsight, I should have kept it for myself. A big mistake for an already selfish boy. Fly back to SF.
MAY - Leave SF. Arrive LA to visit Kim Knight and Anthony Kilhoffer. Decide to stay for awhile. Avoid Matt. Meet Elizabeth, Michael, Wendy, Christine, Jason and Jon. Stay with Tony Beatz spending many days watering his lawn while he's at the plant kissing Kayne's booty.
JUNE - Road trip with Grant to Missouri. See Aaron for the last time, probably ever. Feel used and detached from reality. Travel to LA and Begin House sitting the tree house for painter Laura Owen. Feeling of detachment continues now moving into what feels like a princess in a palace. Then Grant arrives for summer. Why I said yes to this is beyond me. Fucking hot garbage. No regrets.
JULY - Continue house sitting tree house. Really miss Charlie Boy. Brother comes to visit. Nicknamed "Sweaty Spaghetti" by Grant. Finally decide Grant has to leave. Then physically force him out California, a dirty business. Brother had to assist. Almost had to call Uncle Sharky. A nasty business indeed. Hot Bob comes to visit me in the tree house for 10 days just missing Cassie visit. Cassparilla falls in love at first sight with Anthony. Never a more random love lock. Too bad Anthony picked Amy.
AUGUST - Back to Chicago. Shoot my first story for Vogue/Style.com with the assistance of Joshua James Cooper and Heather Kay Blaha. Foot injury on the back of Cooper's motorcycle. Note to self, sandals on a bike is a no no.
SEPTEMBER - Turn 32 in LA and celebrate with Roller skates. Staff infection in both eyes from pollution in LA. Antibiotic save the day. Darkness hovers with the Brother accident in Chicago. Anthony is damaged and alive, I nearly die. Mom tells me to to pull it together and grow up. Ouch. Sell VW and buy YARIS!
OCTOBER - Alicia sprinkles her magic dust and I work the whole month back in Chicago. Best month ever! Corn Fields, Hoffarelli, Czech it Daniel Peter, The Cooplaha house, I love lucy, Officer Bianco and the now famous absinthe stair falling incident. Ouch, again.
NOVEMBER - Arrive LA to work my first ad job in LA with Tricia. Meet Ben in real life. Decide to have thanksgiving in San Francisco the first time away from my family. Sell 3 prints to a gallery in SF! Nicole, Cameron and Mariah love me dearly. Come home to LA and realize that I have friends here. Good ones. In fact, Wendy's friendship supports me everyday and I am eternally grateful for that.
DECEMBER - Christmas in LA or Santa Cruz, can't decide. I wish I could hug my momma right now.

B

present and future tense

i wonder what is appreciated in this limited interaction...something i started thinking about last night. i've decided to make a couple things more clear. for myself. creating a space to visually recognize where I've been and what i wish for the most. here are 2 thoughts in the form of poems. the first written by me in 2007. the second written by shelley in 1820.

everything begins clean
deep breaths and shallow sighs
giggles and happy cries
emotional tenderness connected by physical loyalty
a picture perfect

i dig deep and time flies
a shared plateau of anxious and attached youth
stoically I am intimately rejected by your vapid self doubt

descending from a shadow of a former grasp
tears swell the eyelashes of my sincere love
unorganized and exhausted you exploit my appreciation

decisively I attempt a dismount
rejection is my worst thing
I hear my empty scream
I wish i didn't know you anymore
if we are all to be divine than let this be my beginning
when will I ever be enough

written august 27, 2007

and now:

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;--
Why not I with thine?

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven,
If it disdained it's brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

B

I'm back!

holla, read my posts from the last year. made me realize that despite becoming a chore as it had become, i actually enjoy doing this from time to time. so, here goes...

just this second as i typed the above sentence (oh my god, oh my god) i just found out that my very dear friend a total sweetie pie is a drug dealer. what?! a pound of weed is currently under her bed i have been sleeping in while on vacation visiting my friends! holy shit, she cracks me up!

i'm sick and will write more tomorrow. followed up with photos to boot.

B

CALIFORNIA!!!

I've moved. It's awesome. I love it. No more winters. New friends. New lovers. Happiness and Success. xo

rule number one

never blog when drunk. it took me forever to type in my password correctly. now, it's become a game to see how long i can write without screwing up too bad. back from arizona. insane family tyrip. 4 nose bleeds, a crazy aunt and a ghost is enough to make anyone freak their shit. flagstaff and sedona are lovely. overall, i really enjoyued my time there. except, it's just too bloody hot, 115 is ridiculous. i hate the weather there now. plus, it made my hair go stick straight, a very strange thing for a curly haired girl. ok, now i'm really tired of typing. need to sleep, feel sick. trying to organzine my pictures is challenging at the moment. here are some images of the historic weatherford hotel. i think i was visited by a ghost there, in fact i'm sure of it. cheers.

you say i'm a bitch like it's a bad thing

Popular Bitch		63%
Hippy		56%
Slut		50%
Nerdy Girl		44%
Athletic Tomboy		38%
Goth		19%
Preppy Girl		13%
Loser		0%

You scored as Popular Bitch,

What type of girl are you?!!
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softball bitches

last night i played with the chicago magazine softball team. a motley crew of the most random people. despite being pieced together last minute, we seriously kicked ass. won 15 to 4! a major victory. i personally scored two runs and felt like a champ! after the game we grubbed at the twisted spoke (kinda nasty food, but they sponsor the team) and discussed the victory. i think there might be something to team sports. who knew?!

polls + pride

poll dancing, a strip club and a gay pride parade was my weekend. who the fuck do i think i am, i never party like that. the only regret i have is that i should have worn better sunscreen on my face at the parade, other than that, it was a crazy fun weekend.

bathroom photo

new camera day!

i've decided to buy a digital camera today. over the weekend, while at the beach, my brother was playing with a dog and accidentally smacked into my face launching my camera into the sand. SAD! beyond repair, it is now time to buy a new one. i'm trying decide between the following three models:

the canon g7



the leica V-Lux 1 (this one is my current favorite)



and the leica D-Lux 3



get ready, a new camera is gonna mean loads of new pictures!! i'm so excited.

holy shit

keeping with the paris theme which has taken ahold of my interests right now, last night i saw another french film entitled LA VIE EN ROSE. it's the extraordinary life story of edith piaf and is outstandingly performed by an actress named marion cotillard. i spent the better part of the movie trying to figure out who the hell this girl was? i knew i've watched her before but couldn't place where. so, i went to imdb and HOLY SHIT, it's the chick from a good year. a movie i'm a little embarrassed to admit i saw. but, fucking A, that's her. this chick is an incredible actress. she was totally believable as edith piaf, a flawless performance. see it.