Ughh

Why do I read shit like other peoples blogs when I don't really want to know. So much information in my head right now.
Pictures that create pain and misunderstandings. It happens with everything in my life. Always dancing on the cusp of knowing too much. My impulse to know everything is overwhelming. Such a silly little girl to think I could even try. Welcome to serious pressure. Never a moment of relaxation in my own presence. Well almost never. I see movies and fill my view with people, locations and distractions to keep me from the truth. My camera creates pictures of what I think it should look like. My attachment runs deep. Let's be smart about things now, Maria. No more childlike manipulation. My participation in that department deserves an A. It's like breathing or a shadow to me. Always with me. In all fairness, I am honest and loyal. I know how to giggle sincerely and love enormously. Possibly the best things I know how to do. Thanks, momma. Now, how do I make money on that? There's the trick. I pray the universe will provide.

Something big is beside me now. Walking next to me. So close yet so far away. A fine line featuring the real deal vs. total bullshit. I can see it, smell it, hold it close at night and say everything will be ok. I feel safe and warm. Then I pull the covers away and I'm back to me. You need so much. Without surprise, I have it to give. I'm afraid of you. Visions of holding on and not let go occasionally float by. I manipulate myself. My other lovers tell me I'm wonderful and beautiful and hold me ever so close to their hearts. I know I am loved. But yours is something different. I knew this from the get go. Man alive, I want more. I guess that's why I read blogs I should avoid, look at pictures that confuse me and kiss the mouth of depression. Clearly, I can save you. This I'm sure of. But is my own salvation and success wrapped up in that? Probably not. Definitely not. Love is blooming for new friends. I am lucky. We are lucky. And, I know it's gonna hurt. But, please don't stop. Even if I start acting like a fool.