Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Pilars of Creation and other fuel chit chat.

In 1746, Jean-Philippe Loys de Cheseauxan an astronomer from Lausanne, Switzerland presented a list of nebulae to the Academy of Sciences in France. This nebula is listed as one of his discoveries, later photographically documented by what to me is one of the most amazing mechanical creations of our time, the Hubble Telescope. This image known as the Pilars of Creation is apart of The Eagle Nebula, a young open cluster of stars in the constellation Serpen, also discovered by Cheseauxan. These clusters are about 7,000 light years away from earth. One of the reasons why this shit is so fascinating to me is because of the protostar. Ok, fine. A protostar is a large object that forms by contraction out of the gas of a giant molecular cloud in the interstellar medium. Oh my, I love this stuff so much. The gas emitting and creating this mass is mostly Molecular hydrogen. As we know, Hydrogen is a colorless, odorless, nonmetallic, tasteless, highly flammable, the lightest and most abundant of the chemical elements, constituting roughly 75% of the universe's elemental mass and is basically the molecular shit. Properly cooled and combined, Hydrogen has the potential to be one the greatest fuel sources on our planet. NASA uses hydrogen to launch the Space Shuttles. They're even working on a toy model car that runs on solar power, using a regenerative fuel cell to store energy in the form of hydrogen and oxygen gas. It can then convert the fuel back into water to release the solar energy. Incredible! Imagine if this were mass produced and allowed into our global market..the sky's the limit. No pun intended. Iceland has one the largest natural reserves of Hydrogen on our planet. What's stopping us from harnessing the power of Hydrogen to begin production of solar, hydrogen, oxygen and above all clean modes of transportation? I realize the question is rhetorical. Watching the 27 year old man from Utah yesterday bid his way into saving 22,000 acres of oil rich land with prison as a possible outcome, I started thinking about how long it's gonna take to see other forms of fuel begin to take precedence over the clearly decreasing fuel source of oil on the planet. What will it take to finally implement these technologies into a grossly flawed economic fuel formula? The tidal wave of this change would be staggering. I hope I'm live to see the day. In the meantime, I appreciate the 27 year old man from Utah for his ingenious yet theatrical attempt at preserving land. Thank god we haven't been able to fuck up the stars yet. B

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Photos taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Chicago, winter 2007.

This is what I don't miss about Chicago at the moment. This is why I'm not there right now. The southern california sun today brought me such happiness. Feels real nice to know that when I go to my friends party tonight, I don't have to wear a million layers and brace myself for the bone chilling tundra. In fact, I'm wearing a dress with no tights!

It's bittersweet though cause in the middle of all this, I miss the smiles of so many of my friends faces especially with Holiday's approaching. I can't believe I have no plans for Christmas this year. Where am I? Ughh. No parties, no cocktails, no prosecco, no chippino, no brother, no hugs. I could cry thinking about it. But, I choose this. This is where I am. At last. Thank god!

I imagine everyone will enjoy the tomato pie I'm making right now. "Cooter Pie" as it's know in some circles. Mulled wine, ginger bread, white bean soup, spiced egg nog. It's on.

Happy December 20th, 2008.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I like the way he dances.

It's sexy when a dude can act a fool, dance, make me giggle and have good hair all at the same time. Right?! And that nose just makes him even more adorable. Cassie-o-pia, you feel me on this?


The silence between words.

These thoughts found me today and if I'm quiet enough to hear it, I actually do believe them.

"You might be feeling pretty shaky right now, as if the earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever you can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
After the fire, the earth is replenished; after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to somebody else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway.

In the beginning is nature, in the end is nature, so why in the middle do you make so much fuss? Why, in the middle, becoming so worried, so anxious, so ambitious - why create such despair? Nothingness to nothingness is the whole journey.
Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is to relax into this nothingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action. This mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim.

Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is. The awareness that is growing in you now is not the result of any conscious "doing", nor do you need to struggle to make something happen. Any sense you might have had that you've been groping in the dark is dissolving now, or will be dissolving soon. Let yourself settle, and remember that deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged.

Thank you, Osho.

Monday, December 8, 2008


December 8th, 2008. A year at a glance.

DECEMBER 2007 - Leave Chicago holding 4 suitcases for San Francisco. Leave momma, brother, papa, bella, luna, apartment, art, books, photos, Blaha, Alicia, Cassie, Andreas, Lindsay, Liza, Daniel Cooper, Adam Hoff and the memory of Matt.
JANUARY - Travel to the Big Island of Hawaii then later Kauai with brother. No fights, we did it! Feel free with no real sense of responsibility for the first time in my entire life. Swim with whales and giant see turtles. Sunburn and Lilikoi's.
FEBRUARY - Lindsay tells me some fucked up shit about her feelings towards Andreas. I freak. Still no resolution. Andreas tries, but Lindsay is dry. Move in temporarily with Mariah in Oakland and Inverness. Meet Cameron Kelly! Book the last of the big advertising jobs as an agent. MBREPS now closed. Nicole Buffett gives me big hugs and tells me that I am beautiful and courageous and I believe her.
MARCH - Begin working as a stylist, thanks to Alicia. I'm thinking, I got this shit. Travel back to Chicago.
APRIL - Travel to Hawaii. The whole month on Kauai. Ellen and Jim take care of me and I feel safe. Mariah meets me there. we head to the waterfalls and beaches, Zack arrives. I give him the good room with the giant bathtub. Hindsight, I should have kept it for myself. A big mistake for an already selfish boy. Fly back to SF.
MAY - Leave SF. Arrive LA to visit Kim Knight and Anthony Kilhoffer. Decide to stay for awhile. Avoid Matt. Meet Elizabeth, Michael, Wendy, Christine, Jason and Jon. Stay with Tony Beatz spending many days watering his lawn while he's at the plant kissing Kayne's booty.
JUNE - Road trip with Grant to Missouri. See Aaron for the last time, probably ever. Feel used and detached from reality. Travel to LA and Begin House sitting the tree house for painter Laura Owen. Feeling of detachment continues now moving into what feels like a princess in a palace. Then Grant arrives for summer. Why I said yes to this is beyond me. Fucking hot garbage. No regrets.
JULY - Continue house sitting tree house. Really miss Charlie Boy. Brother comes to visit. Nicknamed "Sweaty Spaghetti" by Grant. Finally decide Grant has to leave. Then physically force him out California, a dirty business. Brother had to assist. Almost had to call Uncle Sharky. A nasty business indeed. Hot Bob comes to visit me in the tree house for 10 days just missing Cassie visit. Cassparilla falls in love at first sight with Anthony. Never a more random love lock. Too bad Anthony picked Amy.
AUGUST - Back to Chicago. Shoot my first story for Vogue/Style.com with the assistance of Joshua James Cooper and Heather Kay Blaha. Foot injury on the back of Cooper's motorcycle. Note to self, sandals on a bike is a no no.
SEPTEMBER - Turn 32 in LA and celebrate with Roller skates. Staff infection in both eyes from pollution in LA. Antibiotic save the day. Darkness hovers with the Brother accident in Chicago. Anthony is damaged and alive, I nearly die. Mom tells me to to pull it together and grow up. Ouch. Sell VW and buy YARIS!
OCTOBER - Alicia sprinkles her magic dust and I work the whole month back in Chicago. Best month ever! Corn Fields, Hoffarelli, Czech it Daniel Peter, The Cooplaha house, I love lucy, Officer Bianco and the now famous absinthe stair falling incident. Ouch, again.
NOVEMBER - Arrive LA to work my first ad job in LA with Tricia. Meet Ben in real life. Decide to have thanksgiving in San Francisco the first time away from my family. Sell 3 prints to a gallery in SF! Nicole, Cameron and Mariah love me dearly. Come home to LA and realize that I have friends here. Good ones. In fact, Wendy's friendship supports me everyday and I am eternally grateful for that.
DECEMBER - Christmas in LA or Santa Cruz, can't decide. I wish I could hug my momma right now.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

present and future tense

i wonder what is appreciated in this limited interaction...something i started thinking about last night. i've decided to make a couple things more clear. for myself. creating a space to visually recognize where I've been and what i wish for the most. here are 2 thoughts in the form of poems. the first written by me in 2007. the second written by shelley in 1820.

everything begins clean
deep breaths and shallow sighs
giggles and happy cries
emotional tenderness connected by physical loyalty
a picture perfect

i dig deep and time flies
a shared plateau of anxious and attached youth
stoically I am intimately rejected by your vapid self doubt

descending from a shadow of a former grasp
tears swell the eyelashes of my sincere love
unorganized and exhausted you exploit my appreciation

decisively I attempt a dismount
rejection is my worst thing
I hear my empty scream
I wish i didn't know you anymore
if we are all to be divine than let this be my beginning
when will I ever be enough

written august 27, 2007

and now:

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;--
Why not I with thine?

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven,
If it disdained it's brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

- Percy Bysshe Shelley